Omori and Distractions

    Omori is a role-playing game. No, more than that, Omori is an experience. It is a deep, insightful look at depression, anxiety, guilt, grief, and the ways a child (Sunny) deals with these complex emotions. Omori was deeply impactful to me, so this post serves as my way of processing some of those emotions with hopes to one day bye able to "fully" overcome them as well - whatever that may look like. Below is a random stream of consciousness I felt like sharing after finishing the game and digesting the messages it was sending (quite successfully). 

    I have dealt with my fair share of trauma. As a child, I was abused often, both physically and mentally. I was used as a bargaining piece between two parents during a divorce, and later blackmailed and threatened by my own father. I was brutally beaten, more than just the spankings that seemed to be a societal norm at the time - as a child I was thrown, restrained, pinned down, choked, and physically punished in many ways. I was constantly gaslit and told that my feelings were insane, or unwarranted. My parents sought out ways to hurt me, and there found plenty. This has had long lasting effects on me, from anxiety and depression, to self-harm and suicidal thoughts. 

    I have many specific examples of these abuses, but the way in which I was abused is less important here than the after effects of the abuse, the ways I have coped with them, and how they still impact me today. It's only been through working with my therapist that I've been able to take an introspective look at the person I have become and how these events have influenced my life. 

    In Omori, headspace is a fictional world existing entirely within the head of Sunny with the singular goal: suppress any and all memories of Mari, his deceased sister. Headspace achieves this (mostly) in a multitude of ways, but the number one technique used is distraction. It's a very efficient method at taking ones mind off of something: replace it with something else. I have employed this strategy my entire life to cope with my traumas. I chose gaming, and then I chose eating, and then I chose relationships. I had never processed these emotions until the past year - I just found ways to lock them away with distractions. It was more convenient to do so, and seemed like the "less painful" option - I never connected the dots that I was just hurting myself in different ways. 

    Gaming is a fun pastime, and if I didn't enjoy gaming, I may have never played Omori in the first place. Eating is necessarily to living - and relationships can be beautiful things. None of these are bad in themselves, but overindulgence or over reliance in any one of them has their drawbacks. I've lost countless hours gaming the nights away, hours that I'll never get back, that could have been spent doing anything else - things which would have been healthier or otherwise more productive. I ate and engorged myself into morbid obesity, directly threatening my lifespan, to run from the pain of processing my trauma. I put so much pressure on others in relationships to provide me with happiness, as I was unable to generate the happiness from within as my emotions were too tied up in a bottomless pit of anxiety. In each of these vices I've hurt myself, or worse, I've directly hurt others. It has been something I've come to terms with, and constantly work to move past as I move forward. I had forgotten who I was, what I was interested in, and lost friends in running from this anxiety.

    "Coming to terms with it" to me looks like, first, recognizing the problem exists. I've had multiple people point it out to me, almost as if it existed as an elephant in the room that I alone was unable to see. My anxieties would manifest in so many different ways - the ways that I talk about myself and the absolute lack of any self-worth, the countless fears that I have, my abandonment "issues", and so forth. I knew I had some sort of issues, but never thought it was so bad until I was forced to be on my own and confront them. This is where I began to recognize the problem exists - forced to sit alone, by myself, and to feel how I truly felt. Those agonizing, lonely days where it felt like the world was going to end because I couldn't silence that voice in my head, putting me down and telling me how worthless I was. The weeks I withdrew from society, avoiding being social as much as I could, because after all: I am just a nuisance to others, why make their life worth with my presence? 

    

    It wasn't an overnight process, but I was slowly able to recognize a certain pattern. Every single time I'd put myself down and think I couldn't do something, I did it. Every single time I'd question whether my presence was necessary at some event, my friends would tell me they were happy to see me. Every single time I'd feel worthless, there'd be something or someone there to help remind me that wasn't the case. I had friends I could reach out to for help if I was overwhelmed, friends who were always there for me, and helped me see these issues for what they were. I was able to take this pattern to my therapist, and identify it as the anxiety monster that it was, and begin to come to terms with it. I had recognized a problem existed, and now I needed a way to deal with it.

    My hobbies include rhythm games, drawing, and music. These three pillars have always existed in my life, but I'd forgotten about them as I ran from my anxiety. I've spent this past year finding my passion again. I've drawn and drawn, I've made little beats on FL Studio and played my trumpet, and have gotten in shape and, in my opinion, pretty good with dance games. I've engaged with these hobbies in a healthy way: I don't use them to escape anxiety. Instead, I do them because they are fun. Finding myself lost in these hobbies again has helped me find my self-worth again: one of the first steps in fighting back against my anxiety. It seems so silly now, but has been so incredibly helpful. 

    The other benefit of pursuing my hobbies again is that I've met many like-minded people who enjoy doing the same stuff! I have made more friends in this past year than I've ever had in my life. And this last point is the strongest for me, and is my biggest wall against anxiety when it dares attack: the love I have surrounded myself with. When I am feeling down, and my hobbies just aren't doing it for me, I talk to my friends. I ask them how they're doing, what they've been up to. They do the same with me. I vent a bit to them, and they help me get back on my feet if I am down. I thought for my entire life that I was alone, but I was wrong (happily). There are so many people that care about me, and will be there for me no matter what. I've figured out how to set healthy boundaries to deal with my own issues first and not overwhelm them, and I hope they know that I am always there for them as well. It is another similarity to Omori, where in the end, he is able to overcome his dark feelings by relying on his friends. This is seen during the 'Duet' sequence at the end of the game - one of the few times I've truly broke down in tiers because of a video game, because I know all too well of what it feels like to have that moment where you finally overcome your self doubt and can see the world for what it is for the first time in what feels like forever.

    I do still struggle with sleep - most of my childhood trauma happened at night. It took me so long to make the connection that was why I struggled with sleep, as it seems so obvious now. I work every day to try and establish healthy sleep patterns but there's only so much one can do I suppose. Hopefully it improve one day!

    Not much else to add without going into specifics, but that's not really the goal here. While I am able to share details about those experiences with no pain at this point, I just don't see any reason to do. I've moved past the abuse I've suffered and am only focused on making the rest of my life as wonderful as possible!

The Collapse

  Walls collapsed around him as he descended down the spiral staircase, one he'd taken many times before, but never quite as slowly. Rubble fell before him, as dust covered his brow. His silver armor had dulled, coated in dirt, his tagboard ripped and torn, no longer bearing the insignia of his kingdom. He had often towered above those around him, but this was the first time he'd find himself feeling so small, almost... insignificant. He pulled a cloth from a satchel at his side, wiping blood and sweat from his face, as he continued his descent. He maintained his elegance and grace with each step downwards, something which had been instilled in him at a young age long, long ago.

  His long blonde hair had dirtied during the collapse and dust coated his face. His eyes, originally the holy violet passed down in his lineage, had sunken into a pale gray. It was an indication of power lost, a tell that his life was nearing its end. He continued downwards his spiral staircase, but he knew it was for naught. He had spent himself in the prior battle, casting aside his own life to rid the world of an encroaching darkness for as long as he could. He had hopes that it would thwart this evil permanently, but he knew better. It would return eventually, so his lineage must live on. It was a curse of sorts, but should his lineage end, there would be none strong enough across the lands to fight back this darkness.

  He had thoughts of his son, and his wife. Of his friends and his cousins, with whom he'd spend the summers, playing pretend of good versus evil. Funnily enough, he was always tasked to play the part of the villain - a part not even remotely close in reality to the person he was. He thought of his sons first steps, and how exuberant he was as a parent, partaking in the simple joys of parenting. He couldn't help but crack a smile, maintaining his positivity even as the tower began to grumble and shake around him. He thought of his sons violet eyes, and what it would mean for him as he grew into a man. He thought about the fate he had cursed another living being to, one of his own creation, and wondered if it was fair or just to bring another life into the world with such a condition. He had felt as if there was no choice, if his family wasn't there to hold back the tides of darkness, then upon who must this behemoth of a task fall? There was no other choice but the selfish one. He must continue his lineage as his father and his fathers father did before him, always with the goal of driving away evil from the lands.

  A large piece of rubble flew down towards him, slamming into his shoulder and knocking him off his stride and down a few steps until he caught himself against the ivory railing. Lifting himself up, he continued his descent, albeit with a limp and now an arm which did not seem to comply. He had slowed considerably, stopping occasionally to caught what appeared to be a mixture of blood and dust he had inhaled. His body was failing him, and as the tower shook again, he staggered and fell against the railing again, sliding down, leaving a trail of blood on the wall as he rested with one leg out stretched, and the other bent to the step below. He looked up and watched as brick and rubble fell from above, letting in light from the sun outside to shine upon him, as he felt the world around him seemed to tilt. 

  With one final act left in him, he unsheathed his sword from its jewel-adorned scabbard, and placed it in his lap. Chanting a few prayers, he slowly grazed his hand across its blade. Blood dripped from his lips as he looked up and into the light, letting another smile come across his face, this time accepting what was soon to be. He did his part, and the legends would remember him. He didn't care for the legends though, he had only caught to do what was right. To serve justice, and to defend those friends and family he held so dear. His life's work accomplished, he tilt his head back, and closed his eyes. 

  All around him the tower fell. It tilted and collapsed to its side, landing upon many homes, and knocking other structures down around it, including smaller ranger towers and strategic defensive bases. Most had been evacuated, but those too stubborn, or to proud to run from home, had stayed. Their homes too, would soon find themselves flattened and amongst the rubble.

  The Great Tower of Anuhime had fallen, and with it, the legendary warrior and king of Tiris, Savos the Grand, had perished. His legend would live on, the one of the great king who slew a mighty beast of darkness, and saved all the lands of the realm and ushering forth am age of prosperity.

  Until the beast would again awaken.

 

When I'm feeling lonely, I enjoy sitting in front of my window with my kitty and looking out. Just watching others go about their evening, doing whatever it is they're doing. Maybe they feel lonely too? I wonder what sort of challenges they're facing, and how their day has been. A completely unique existence, separate from my own, filled to the brim with memories, hopes, dreams, pains, failures, successes, and everything else that makes us human. Even if I'm feeling a bit lonely it will pass eventually, I suppose.

Spriting!

 I've decided to use this blog as a little dump of sprite things I'm working on or have completed. :D 

This past week I've been getting used to Aseprite and its interface. Back in my day, we used MSPaint... but I guess I have to adapt. :) 

I've "finished" (at least until I build up my skills to clean them up) a couple things the past week!

First, a little profile pic for Discord -

With shirt

Without shirt

I was thinking of what I could make first to get used to the program, and what better than myself? After all, it's the first person I see in the mirror every morning. :) 

Secondly, a gift for a close friend -

I want to keep practicing furries at different angles, so I drew this for him! The background is from Warhammer 40k: Darktide, although it kinda looks like he's in some poop-colored Skyrim cave. I'm still happy with it though.

On the side, I've been experimenting with gamedev lately. One of my favorite game series of all time is the Mana series, so I wanted to try and make Mina in the form of a Secret of Mana sprite. 

This sort of orthographic angle is extremely confusing for my brain for some reason (and Mina's nose looks like a mouth that's too far up...), but it was a good test. My next test is going to be a sideview, something in the vein of a Metroidvania or Megaman style sprite. 

In all of the above examples, the shading isn't quite right, as I struggle to grasp it a little bit. Going to be really focusing on imagining where the light source is as I continue to try and improve, perhaps my next project should be drawing and shading basic shapes for practice.

Thanks for reading. :) 

 

Spent 5 hours or so figuring out FL studio to put a little thing together. I like how it came out. 

I hope I can stop feeling this way soon.

Housing Acquired!

 Time to have some fun!